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I’ve heard Doug speak a number of times, and read several of his books both in preparation for, and in the midst of ministry.  You probably have too.  What I haven’t heard him speak on much until this, was the aspect of parenting…other than talking about “boundaries” he has to protect his wife and family, and other random stories from his podcasts.

That seemed to be a large part of his focus here as well.  When we think of the question “Okay, so now that we’re all on board as pastors, desiring for more to be happening in the homes of our church members in the way of making disciples and living out faith throughout the week…..what do we do next?”, Doug brings the not-so-obvious answer – “Start in our own homes.”

I’d confess that prior to this conference, praying with my spouse had not been something we thought about fitting in somewhere.  Sure, we’d pray together at meals.  We’d pray as a family during the girls’ bedtime ritual often.  But to actually pray together, apart from our kids/meals….and not just because there’s an emergency? 

It’s already been a nice change…and reminds us, sometimes through desire, and sometimes through ritual…that our marriage is a priority.  Both for us…and for the God who made two become one…and continues to hold us.

The fact that our families as Christians can be examples for those who are seeking a “New” way of being a family.  A path apart from the destruction and self-motivated maneuvering found in the world.  That a family can also exhibit how the church body can exist…freed from self and positioning, practicing self-less Love, Hoping together toward what comes next, and sharing common Faith in the God who is making all things New.

Although I’d have to say I was a little disappointed in one of his main points (“Focus on Your Own D$&* Family”), that seemed to be popular with much of the crowd…simply for it’s crudeness.  Nevertheless, the point was…before we begin trying to “fix” other homes in our church, we need to be aware of how much priority our own family has.  As pastors, we need to change the expectations that we’re overworked and present at every single event our church has.  When “off” or “on vacation”, or even home after work…to “unplug”, and disconnect from communication avenues to focus on family. 

He called us to “serve ice cream” at home, putting as much energy into making your home attractive as you do your church/ministry.  Which, as someone not too particularly motivated to make our youth ministry “attractive”…I still get what he’s saying.  And finally, he asked the question of us as pastors, “What are you doing to make sure it’s a privilege that mom/dad is a pastor?”  Offering stories of things he’s done…kinda “all-access” type, movie night, friends lock-in, swim in baptistery, etc.  🙂

I’ll admit, this was my first experience of Dr.Leman.  Which probably automatically tells many of you, I haven’t paid nearly as much attention to parenting literature as I should.  This guy has been on news shows all over the world, including Oprah AND anyone remember Donahue back in the day?  Yup…he was on there.

Just check out his bibliography on Wikipedia, to realize the full extent of my ignorance.  In any case….he was an awesome speaker.  Humble, yet well informed, and humorously experienced in parenting and giving guidance to other parents for years.  Dr.Leman spoke on instilling the authority of parents AND scripture in the home.  Authority is something often avoided and talked about in somewhat “shushed” tones these days.  It’s usually about freedoms, allowances, and how to make your kids happy.  But as Dr.Leman said more than once, “An unhappy child is a healthy child.”, for obvious reasons.

He spoke of the value of a little “Vitamin N” (the word “no”), and reminded parents to respond as a parent during teachable moments, as opposed to responding from high emotions in the midst of a conflict.  I really felt like I gained as much or more from this session as a parent than as a pastor.  I can’t speak to his books, and I can’t say I’d go with all of his tactics (locking a child outside when she wouldn’t stop crying)….but he’s a captivating and witty speaker worth listening to.  I’ll end with some quotes of his, that would be tough to weave into a short blog post…:)

“If you bring up your kids to think they’re the center of the universe, what room is there for God?”

(speaking of today’s families being too busy) “Activities are not good for children.  🙂  They’re not good for families, marriages, and definitely not good for your sex life.”

“So often parents work very hard to keep their children from experiencing any type of “failure”, but failure is usually where we meet Jesus.  How many people do you know who discovered their need for Jesus during an average or even successful moment?”

“Rules without relationship lead to rebellion.  We need to be parents who strive to be an authority, without being authoritarian.”

“Actively parent your children as individuals.  What works for one will not always work for the whole clan.  Different bedtimes, & different times for learning.”

“Fighting with your child is an act of cooperation.”

“Train your children respectfully up into maturity/character, not down into submission.”

“It’s important to establish that if ____ doesn’t happen, ____ will not happen.  Don’t use warnings.  Establish authority in their lives, in hopes/prayers that they will understand authority when it comes to the Word of God in their home and life as well.  If solid authority (without being authoritarian) isn’t experienced, it will remain foreign to them.”