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panic.

I’m usually a pretty laid back guy. Sometimes, to a fault.  When living in a home with high levels of emotion (3 little girls!), I feel like it’s a pretty handy trait.   But every once in a while, something grabs me hard.  That happened earlier this week…

We’d spent the day several hours from home, welcoming my new niece and nephew into the world.  Everything went great, my sister and her husband now have two healthy babies in their family.  After 6 hours of driving, and a few hours in lobbies, we wanted to stretch our legs.  So we stopped by the mall on the way into town to do some window shopping.  (We take every chance we can to give our girls the experience of walking through the mall without buying anything.)

Toward the end of our time there, I was waiting outside a restroom for our older two girls while my wife was elsewhere with our youngest.  I did what any dude with a smart-phone would do, I checked my e-mail.  I saw one from our adoption agency, and got really excited.  Then I noticed the subject line:  “Invoice”  Oh no.

When the “difficult good news” came a couple weeks ago, one thing we asked as the dust cleared was, “How much of what we paid is still there?”  Finally, here was our answer.  The bill was for the total amount we’d recently paid, over $9,000.  I was stunned.  Shocked.  Speechless.  I didn’t know what we were going to do next.  All the people who gave sacrificially, and now their money is gone.  All the work we did to raise/save, all gone.  Starting from scratch, and even though I dress well, we aren’t really living like Gatsby’s here.

As my daughters came out, and we continued a bit more at the mall, I tried to stay composed.  My wife knew something was up, but I assured her we’d talk about it later….which probably wasn’t reassuring.  We loaded into the van, and began the drive home.

Then it happened.  In a crucial moment we all face in the midst of overwhelming circumstances, I had a knee-jerk reaction.  The realization “Oh yeah, we serve a God who’s big enough to carry our burdens!” hit me.  I checked my mirrors, and image(5)swerved over a few lanes to change our destination.  My wife and kids still didn’t know what was up, but assumed I needed something from my office at church.  Until we got there, and I asked them to all come inside with me.

We gathered at the altar.  The girls were excited to be in a giant sanctuary all to themselves, and were exploring around the altar, and I invited them all to join us.  They sat down, and I talked about prayer with them.  How we can pray anywhere, at any time.  But that sometimes, we have a burden or a need to come to God in a special way.  I choked up, as I explained that daddy was feeling sad and overwhelmed by waiting for Phoebe.  That I wanted to pray together that God would do something really soon, to help encourage us.  So we had each girl pray, and then mommy and daddy closed it out.  They began to explore the sanctuary some more, and I broke the news to my wife…we were financially hurting bad.  We stood together for a moment at the altar…

After a few tears, we regained composure.  We obviously can’t do this.  He’s called us, and we feel like we’re answering the call.  Simple enough….God, hear our prayers.

As we gathered to leave the sanctuary, I decided to check my e-mail once more.  Together, we opened a new e-mail from our agency that had just arrived:

“I’m really sorry about that.  This was a duplicate invoice.  I deleted it.  You are currently paid up.  Thanks!”

Still an emotional wreck, I pulled my wife in close and laughed a bit deliriously.  Sure, I was a bit upset that anyone could accidentally send an invoice for over $9,000.  But more than that, I was thankful.  God was quick to respond.  We’d had a great experience of prayer as a family, and taught our children the importance of coming before God in a unique way sometimes.  Sure, we still need to raise quite a bit more…..but it’s $9,000 less than when we began to pray…..:)

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say the (specific) words.

“The word ‘Love’, well it was once overused.  Back in the 70’s the word was abused. But I refuse to let love be diluted.  We can’t allow physical lust to intrude it.  Or pollute it cause their ain’t no excuse for the greatest gift of all to be abused.  So choose to lost the pride that may tug at you, don’t be afraid of the words ‘I love you’.”
– “Say the Words” by DC TALK

And so my teenage philosophy of being okay with the words “I love you” was formed.  Unfortunately, as with many young boys, I found it particularly effective in getting the attention of the opposite gender.  So many young people are afraid of “committing” to such a phrase, that for me to use it was effective in the few girls I was able to get the attention of growing up.  Until I met a woman who finally began to not be content with my version of love, but to teach me more about it.

As my wife and I dated, we’d have those sappy moments that young couples have.   We’d look deep into each others’ eyes over an well plated and overpriced en-tree (more realistically, over a plate of Strawberry Shortcake at Steak & Shake). Sometimes I wouldn’t know what to say that communicated my emotions well.  So I’d often opt for the old reliable…”I love you.”

This worked like magic the first few times, sure.  But then she did it.  She thwarted my plan for lifelong relational bliss forever.  She poked holes in my kite, and offered me a sailboat instead.  She did it all with a simple one-word question:

“Why?”sisters

She wasn’t asking a self-deprecating question about how I could possibly have feelings for her.   She knew I loved her.  She knew I cared for her.  But she wanted our relationship to plunge beneath the surface of Hallmark cards and Disney movies.  What was it about her that, in that moment particularly, compelled me to voice my emotions?

Fast forward 14 years, to me wanting to love and bless my children, and  I’m so grateful for a wife who took the time and difficult conversations to teach me about love.   To teach me how to be a better father.  As I held my daughter this past Sunday afternoon, I began simply by hugging her close and saying, “I love you, Ruby.”  But the question of “Why?” was still echoing through the halls of my heart.  So I began a list… “I love when you hug me.  I love when you share your smiles.  I love when you pray for Phoebe.  I love when you do silly dances.  I love how big your heart is.  I love when you do somersaults.  I love to hear you make up songs……”

I wasn’t even done listing why I loved her, when my 4 year old began to snore on my chest.  She was still lightly rubbing my face with her hand.  I pulled the blanket over her shoulders, and took a deep satisfied breath.  This parenting thing is pretty spectacular.

Maybe it’s your spouse.  Maybe it’s your child.  Whoever it might be, there’s a big chance that someone you love could realllllly use a reminder of “Why” you love them.  Not because they question it, but because they long for a Love that dives deep into meaningful emotions in a world that confuses the definition of love on a regular basis.   Who will you love today?

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both sides.

A few years ago I was able to preach on Luke’s story of the rich man and Lazarus (Luke 16:19-31). I feel like it went well Sunday morning, with two services of asking ourselves who the Lazarus in our own lives might be? And also asking ourselves what might be the “gates” in our lives…the things that are separating us from those God is calling us to love towards Him. (economic, social, status, schedule, etc…) Some gates we create, and some gates are just “there” by nature of the world we live in.

image(4)As usual, those who preach Sunday morning, are usually called on to preach for our food pantry service on Monday morning. I was excited to have a 3rd opportunity. 🙂 But in prayer Monday morning, I realized that the message I was about to preach needed a shift in focus. Many of those who came to the service that morning were the “Lazarus” on the other side of the worlds’ gates. I spent a few quick moments trying to rework the approach.

We hear from time to time that the Gospel message is best understood by those who are oppressed, disenfranchised, suffering, outcast and downtrodden. That morning, I’m not sure if I understood it in a new light….but preaching it sure was a lot more exciting than it had been on Sunday.

God had me speak about the coming Kingdom…the coming “overturning” of this world’s structures and economy. The redemption of how all things work. The fact that God was with Lazarus in this world AND after….and no matter how sometimes we wish things in our lives would work out like what we see through our “gates”…..God is with us…..and THAT is a pretty exciting thing to be reminded of.

I think most of us have moments/seasons of both identities throughout our lives.

Sometimes we’re Lazarus. We are hurting, suffering, alone, in need….and we look through gates of (finances, social status, employment, titles, popularity, etc.) and we wish we had what was on the other side. But God is with us.

Other times we’re the rich man. We’re doing pretty good. Things with our (finances, social status, employment, titles, popularity, etc.) are going so well that we forget about those on the other side of that “gate”. God calls us to remember those….and that by our solidarity with them…we are with Christ.

In Truth, no matter what side of what “gates” of this world we land on….it’s important to remember that in the economy of Christ…the structure of the Kingdom….the curtain has been ripped down the middle.

How we live in view of that will affect a multitude of eternities…many of them growing up within our walls…