women – words from wick

Today I’m writing about a topic that many others have written much better on already. Yet, I still find some people have not heard of these things, and so I write in case I can help even one person hear a new perspective. I am husband to a woman responding to God’s call on her life for pastoral ministry, and I’ve benefitted from her ministry for over 20 years already. I am father to 4 daughters whom God has already spoken through, and who are all completely capable in responding to His Spirit as He empowers and calls them. I serve in a denomination that believes in an egalitarian approach to homes, the church, workplaces, and society. We do not believe men and women are the same in all things. Yet we believe our differences have nothing to do with what qualifies an individual for service in the Kingdom of God. In fact, our differences are often why it’s so important to invite both men and women into places that were for a long time (and in many places still) “off limits” to women.

In the book of Genesis, chapter 1:26-31, we see an egalitarian humanity from the beginning. “..in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” God blessed them (plural), and said “I have given you (plural)….”. (Yes, chapter 2 offers some distinctions in that creative process, but it reflects the incompleteness of male without female – not a hierarchal structure. Woman was created as a “helper” in 2:18, and that word is the same word used to describe God throughout the Old Testament, which obviously could not mean anything subservient to Man.) But humanity was tempted to turn from fully trusting in God’s provision to discover what they can provide/acquire on their own. This disconnect from trusting in Him as the source of our life and identity naturally brought separation and vulnerability – wounding our relationships with God, one another, and His creation. We see that multi-faceted impact illustrated in Genesis 3:16-19:

Childbirth will be a painful process.
Women will be ruled over by men.
The ground will require intense work to become fruitful.

As these describe the impact of sin on our world, it should be no surprise that followers of Jesus (who came to set us free from sin and it’s impact) are interested in “undoing” these things. We’ve been reconciled to God, and so we join His Kingdom activity in our world today by the healing power of His Holy Spirit.

The first and last of things from this list aren’t usually debated as worth time and effort toward healing. No one declares the goodness of the pain involved in childbirth. Even those who are against medication usually seek practices that mitigate the pain involved. We have people who become doulas, OB’s, or pursue other avenues of serving/improving women’s health because this is an area of woundedness worth seeking to heal. Someone doesn’t even need to believe in God, to recognize childbirth is a painful process, and be motivated to alleviate that pain for themselves or others. Working to support childbirth becomes a process that restores the intended fruitfulness of humanity declared in Genesis 1:28.

We see a similar response to the cursing of the ground. No one declares the goodness of how difficult it can sometimes be to grow a crop fully to harvest. Farming techniques have been implemented for at least 12,000 years that sought to improve the fruitfulness of the soil. At least 4,000 years ago, farmers began rotating crops to improve soil and prevent pests or diseases. Here in Central Illinois, the University of Illinois continues new research in crop science, believing such improvements are good for all humanity. Someone doesn’t even need to believe in God to recognize improving soil and caring for the fruit-bearing nature of our planet is beneficial. Working to support such fruitfulness of the ground becomes a process that restores the intended fruitfulness of humanity declared in Genesis 1:28.

So what has happened in our response to the second impact of this list?

Even in my own life and ministry as someone who believes in an egalitarian approach, I confess my response was largely “I approve of it when it happens, and I’ll support it whenever I’m asked.” But such an approach should also be repented of, as I hope is made clear in the previous paragraphs, as falling short of pursuing healing for our woundedness. When my wife was going to give birth, we investigated methods of pain management and purposefully secured what was needed for her in those moments. As humanity, we aren’t content to plant whatever seeds we find and hope for the best crop. Our farmers work hard and pursue deeper understandings in order to promote a creation that yields more fruit with efficient use of labor.

In the same way then, we followers of Jesus should be those who purposefully seek opportunities to elevate the voices and positions of women. We should actively speak up whenever women are assumed to be inferior simply due to their gender – especially in our marriages, homes, and in places of service to God or His church. I know there are many (myself included) who were raised to believe men are created to inherently be the spiritual “head of the household“. Most who believe this, will still allow for women to serve in that role if the man fails or is idle in his God-given role. I remember hearing a preacher once say God “would even use a woman if He had to, if a man was not fulfilling his calling.” I can’t imagine such a low view of my wife, or my daughters. Paul does use the word “head“, but he also gives descriptions that turn that word upside-down culturally. I believe scripture (and my lived reality in married life) presents a strong case for two adults who constantly strive to serve, submit, and encourage one another to grow in their faith as any two believers would who share life intimately in covenant friendship/love. There is nothing about me biologically that gives me a unique ability to always emerge as “the primary voice” for what God desires or is doing in our home. In the body of Christ, it’s no longer about circumcision or any outwardly visible categories (Galatians 3:27-29). It’s about a heart submitted to Jesus, and living in mutual submission that reveals His Holy Love, and the egalitarian image of “iron sharpening iron”. (Proverbs 27:17)

We see this modeled in the early church, even in a heavily patriarchal culture. As I said, others have written on this far more extensively than I can here. What I wanted to accomplish here was to highlight the “why” behind it’s importance.

Because it’s not simply “a good thing to do”, or “a better perspective” when the choice falls in our lap. It’s worth pursuing and working toward! It’s actually a foundational way that we join the healing work of Jesus Christ in a world impacted by sin. It’s one of the ways we are faithful to the gospel. Someone doesn’t even need to believe in God to recognize improving the equality of women and men together is beneficial. Working to support such mutual submission of both genders to each other and to God becomes a process that restores the intended fruitfulness of humanity declared in Genesis 1:28.

As we do so, together in Jesus, we will continue rediscovering the “very good” of His desires for creation…

When entering the “world” of adoption conversations, especially when you connect to a blog/Facebook group/other online conversation, you’ll quickly notice the primary voices are women. Certainly God uses “a mothers heart” in many cases, and speaks into a family through the bride. In other times, it might be the “fathers heart” that He uses to tug toward adoption. But even in cases where the couple is equally engaged/pulled toward reaching out to the orphan, most often it seems the mother is the one “out there” with the topic, connecting with others and having conversations about the process. There are a few reasons that stand out as to why this may be happening:

1. Adoption involves a lot of emotion. Like, gobbs. The waiting, the picture updates, how far away this child is from you physically, etc. And as we all know, emotions are for women. (tongue in cheek) Even as young boys, men are trained to have Jedi-like control over their emotions. When someone is being “emotional”, we instantly feel they’re not being “manly”…whatever that might mean. So even though a man may feel it, they’ll probably keep most of it to themselves. There’s also a big chance, that even though they care deeply about what’s happening, they don’t have the words or the need to put into words all they’re feeling. That’s because…

2. Men easily compartmentalize. “The amygdala is a part of the brain that controls our emotional responses. In men, the amygdala communicates with just a few parts of the brain, like the visual cortex and part of the brain responsible for movement. (source: Lloyd) It’s like the amygdala is a power strip, and men have just one appliance plugged in. In comparison, a woman’s power strip is fueling many different appliances. In women, the amygdala is more connected to parts of the brain that control language, which may be why women talk about their feelings. It’s also linked to parts of the brain that control bodily functions like heart rate, blood pressure and digestion, which may be why women get a stomachache or other bodily response when they’re stressed or worried. In comparison, men seem to compartmentalize and show no outward display of emotion. But men still experience all the same emotions that women do, they just don’t cope with them in the same way.” (stolen from a science-ish website)

3. Adoption is much more emasculating than men realize when they “sign up” for it. It’s sounds like the great plot for a manly story. “Man helps his family reach out to the other side of the world, where a young child is in need of rescue, he helps bring them home and increases the size and heart of his own family (Christians add here “in the name of Jesus”).” It’s totally a “knight in shining armor” type thing. But then the journey actually begins. He realizes he doesn’t have the finances to do it alone, and has to go around asking others to help. He’s told by the agency “All of those natural fatherly desires you have to go and do whatever it takes to help your case move forward and bring your child home? Let ’em go. We represent you, and it’s in the best interest of everyone for you to let us do so.” It’s probably true. With the amount of extortion and corruption trying to seep into international adoptions, it’s really good to have people with experience and dedication to what’s best for the nation and children.

With these elements, and many more being thrown into the mix…our responses are important:

Wives – Understand the differences about how this adoption process impacts you and your husband. Offer grace when he doesn’t seem geeked out about gushing his adoptive emotions over coffee. Love him by asking specific questions, give him time to respond…and don’t expect a book. Pray with him. Help him connect whatever part of the process you’re in to his manly quest. Sure, he may not be able to ride over there on a horse and scoop up your child – but he can certainly put on his shining armor and head out to the fingerprints office. Be thankful that he can breathe slow and steady when you feel all out of sorts, and how God’s heart is reflected in such steadiness.

Husbands – Understand the differences about how this adoption process impacts you and your wife. Offer grace when it seems she’s carrying a giant heavy burden…because she is. When seemingly out of nowhere, she tells you how hard it is to endure all of this, and wonders if you even care. This is your chance to be as manly as you were hoping you could be. Not by rescuing your child just yet…but by scooping up your wife. Reassure her. Pray with her. Use that focused amygdala to your advantage, and let her cry on your shoulder. Dig deep into the compartment of adoption emotions and try to communicate what you’re feeling to her. Be thankful for the depths of her emotions, and see how Gods’ heart is reflected in their mystery and force.

Tag: women

healing our wounds.

Adoption and Men…

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