Author: Wick

I’ll admit, this was my first experience of Dr.Leman.  Which probably automatically tells many of you, I haven’t paid nearly as much attention to parenting literature as I should.  This guy has been on news shows all over the world, including Oprah AND anyone remember Donahue back in the day?  Yup…he was on there.

Just check out his bibliography on Wikipedia, to realize the full extent of my ignorance.  In any case….he was an awesome speaker.  Humble, yet well informed, and humorously experienced in parenting and giving guidance to other parents for years.  Dr.Leman spoke on instilling the authority of parents AND scripture in the home.  Authority is something often avoided and talked about in somewhat “shushed” tones these days.  It’s usually about freedoms, allowances, and how to make your kids happy.  But as Dr.Leman said more than once, “An unhappy child is a healthy child.”, for obvious reasons.

He spoke of the value of a little “Vitamin N” (the word “no”), and reminded parents to respond as a parent during teachable moments, as opposed to responding from high emotions in the midst of a conflict.  I really felt like I gained as much or more from this session as a parent than as a pastor.  I can’t speak to his books, and I can’t say I’d go with all of his tactics (locking a child outside when she wouldn’t stop crying)….but he’s a captivating and witty speaker worth listening to.  I’ll end with some quotes of his, that would be tough to weave into a short blog post…:)

“If you bring up your kids to think they’re the center of the universe, what room is there for God?”

(speaking of today’s families being too busy) “Activities are not good for children.  🙂  They’re not good for families, marriages, and definitely not good for your sex life.”

“So often parents work very hard to keep their children from experiencing any type of “failure”, but failure is usually where we meet Jesus.  How many people do you know who discovered their need for Jesus during an average or even successful moment?”

“Rules without relationship lead to rebellion.  We need to be parents who strive to be an authority, without being authoritarian.”

“Actively parent your children as individuals.  What works for one will not always work for the whole clan.  Different bedtimes, & different times for learning.”

“Fighting with your child is an act of cooperation.”

“Train your children respectfully up into maturity/character, not down into submission.”

“It’s important to establish that if ____ doesn’t happen, ____ will not happen.  Don’t use warnings.  Establish authority in their lives, in hopes/prayers that they will understand authority when it comes to the Word of God in their home and life as well.  If solid authority (without being authoritarian) isn’t experienced, it will remain foreign to them.”

Jim Burns focused on the issue of helping parents with spiritual formation and discipleship.  Once again, a speaker who had 3 daughters.  I suppose I should listen to all of the speakers neutrally, especially knowing how many faults my own speaking is prone to, even though I’ve 3 daughters also.  Nevertheless, when one of these people says “My 3 girls”, it’s like they’ve said the magic words, and I listen attentively as if they know the secret knowledge my life will require in the next 20+ years.

Burns reminded us of the “big/macro picture”, that when we focus more on reaching the family, we truly equip ourselves to reach the world….which is made up of naturally replenishing family systems.  In all of the fuss about church growth, and “seeker-sensitive” churches, attractive programs targeting youth, college, young adult, singles, etc…we can often lose track that one of the primary foci of the Church is on mentoring parents.

He also emphasized a point we’ve come to realize more and more as parents of infants/toddlers.  That the Sunday morning worship service mindset often has little room for kids like ours.  They make people uncomfortable, annoyed, and desire to build things like “crying rooms”, and announce from the pulpit reminders that nursery/toddler rooms are provided in case your kids don’t know how to be quiet and sit still like the 70 year olds around them.

To any parents reading at this point who think “Yes! That’s how I feel!”, or a pastor who thinks perhaps we’re guilty of that too often – I would recommend a book that was recommended to use recently.  “Parenting in the Pew” talks about how to allow our children to participate in worship on Sunday’s, to the benefit both of our family, and the church family who needs the reminder from Christ in Mark 9:36-37…when we welcome a child, we welcome Jesus.  We’ve very thankful/blessed to be part of a worshiping community where this is happening more and more. 🙂

He finished by ringing a few more important alarms, such as reminding pastors and parents in general to ask ourselves the question, “Am I only giving my family my emotional/energy scraps?”, to be caring for our children and our spouses first.  He recommended 3 major paradigm shifts:
1. Discipleship BEGINS in the home. We need to facilitate, invite, and encourage this.
2. Teach parents to become “students” of the culture.
3. Our job is to set the pace with our own home/family lives.  Integrity/Authenticity, and plenty of margin.

By this point in the D6 Conference, we’d met several speakers who were parents of 3 daughters.  I enjoyed listening to these particularly for obvious reasons.  Haynes spoke specifically on the topic of “What is Family Ministry, and what does it look like?”  The question of how do we encourage parents as they pour into their children intentionally, leading to multi-generational discipleship naturally occurring in our church families.

He focused quite a bit on the concept of “Milestones”, which seemed to serve several purposes.  Both to give a sort of “rite of passage” quality to maturing in Christ, but also to remind parents/youth that they are on a journey to something “next”.  Haynes called parents to remember the importance of “Blessing” their children, and celebrating things as a family.

He offered a common path of “Milestones” to be celebrated both by church AND family:

 – Parent/Baby Dedication
 – Faith Commitment
 – Preparing for adolescence
 – Purity for life
 – Right of passage (i.e. being blessed by parents)
 – High School Graduation
 – Life in Christ

In actual homes, he emphasized what practical actions were useful to focus on across the board.  Things for families to make sure they practice regularly are:

 – Faith Talks – crazy how low a percentage of families actually talk/pray in regards to God and Spirituality.
 – God Moments – the whole “home and away, when you walk and when u rise”. Watch for the everyday moments where God can be pointed out/revealed.
 – Celebrate Milestones – especially the ones listed above!!!
 – Abide – John 15:5 🙂

Haynes talked a bit about small groups catching onto these concepts as one of the few ways to bring the exact message to homes around the community.  To be purposeful, as: “the purpose of small groups is to create adult disciples in order to have parents who can disciple children.”  Now obviously that cannot apply across the board, and I wouldn’t put that on a small group advertisement. 

By this point in the week, I was getting hungry for more of the “Why” to actually be spoken of.  Something beyond simply growing more and more homes full of more and more/deeper disciples.  Something beyond simply finding a more effective way of making sure young adults feel like they can be connected to God’s purposes here.

..and that was on it’s way. 🙂